Internet Dating

If you watch television very much, you’ve likely seen the advertisements for online dating services.  E-Harmony, Match.Com, Zoosk, OurTime, Chemistry.Com, PlentyOfFish.com, to name a few.  It is an industry unto itself, with millions of members, generating millions of dollars. They’ve got the marketing techniques down pat, too.  Just watching the commercials could make a lonely person head straight for their computer and sign up to join.  The couples look so happy, and so perfectly suited for each other.  

Yeah, right.

Perhaps I shouldn’t be so cynical.  I’m sure there are success stories. In fact, I know there are, as one of my favorite people did indeed meet her Prince Charming through E-Harmony, and best I can tell, he really is a prince. In reality, though, the true Prince Charming-falls-in-love-with-the-Princess, Happily-Ever-After stories are probably more rare than common.  And I’ll bet there was a lot of toad-kissing going on before they found each other. And we all know how I feel about kissing toads. 

I will admit that in 19 years of being single, I did, on occasion, peruse the sites.  I even did the E-Harmony thing one time.  There was a local fella with whom I corresponded for a bit. Then we met, and he was so obviously put off with my appearance that he could hardly wait for the date to end.  Which puzzled me – the photograph I posted was recent, and was not photo-shopped to make me beautiful. We had disclosed our body types, so he was well aware that I was Not A Skinny Girl.  He knew my age.  He knew more about me than Whitney’s dad knew about me on our first (blind) date.  So it really ticked me off that he was expecting something different.  But, then, he was kinda weird his ownself.  He was a civilian, but had a job with the military, yet he was quite evasive regarding the particulars of his job description.  There was all this top-secret stuff that he supposedly was doing – in the vein of “if I tell you, I’ll hafta kill you” kind of way… so I wasn’t disappointed when the date ended, either. And – might I add that HE looked a lot older than HIS profile picture, and not nearly as buff.  So I was pretty dang offended that *he* didn’t like *me*. So, I’m personally not much on the internet dating thing.  If it works for you, then more power to you – and I celebrate your relationship.  I think I’ll just stick with my family, my  friends, and my cat.  That’s about all the drama I can take these days. 

Recently, though, I did have the occasion to check out a particular dating site.  I was a single girl for many years, and I still have lots of single girlfriends. Lots of single girlfriends who are currently into the internet dating scene, and who visit these sites often. Back in December, someone brought to my attention something they thought I might find amusing on one such site, so I took a look.  The only thing I found amusing was that nothing much in the world of internet dating had changed. Most of the bios are still as bogey hilarious and fake as they ever were. If you’ve never visited one of these sites, allow me to enlighten you as to how it all works.  The main idea is to put your best self forward, and present yourself in such a manner that all members of the opposite gender will find you irresistible  and therefore, want to date you, (or marry you, if finding a spouse is your goal.)  Here’s a sample of some of the most common things you’ll find.  Mr. or Ms. Prospective Mate will post this about himself or herself:

Username:  PrinceCharming1954

My likes:

~Spending quality time with that special someone

~Romantic walks on the beach

~Watching the sun set over the mountains

~Traveling with my mate

~Romantic dinners for two

~Sunday afternoon drives

~Romantic surprises

~Snuggling in front of the fireplace on a cold winter evening

What I’m Looking For In A Mate: 

~Adventuresome

~Physically fit

~Attractive

~No baggage

~Loves animals and children

~Free spirit

~Honest

~Financially independent

  

About Me: 

~Athletic

~Romantic

~Attractive

~Financially secure

~Love to work out

~Love to spoil my mate

~Devoted to family

~Hard worker

~Excellent cook

~Love animals and children

~Passionate

************

Okay. Sign me up.  Sounds perfect, huh?   Hahaha.... I totally get that you have to market yourself.  But, seriously.  Most everyone I know would put some of those items on their list. (Whether or not it's true seems to have no bearing, at this point in the game.)  

If I were in the market for a beau, (which I am not), and wanted to market myself on the internet, (which I do not), I think my bio would go a little something like this:

My User Name:  JustSayNoToToads  (Because it is a terrible idea to use your real name on a dating site)

My Likes: 

~Jesus

~My family

~Spending time with my friends – Girls only, or couples. You must love my friends and fit into our circle, or you’re out. Just as with my family, we’re a package deal.

~Watching my favorite TV shows without someone talking or bothering me

~My alone time, balanced with “spending quality time with that special someone”

~Shopping - Preferably alone

~Romantic walks on the beach

~Good food cooked on the grill

~Cats

~Watching the sun set over the mountains

~Laughter

~Going to church, but occasionally playing hooky

~Dancing (Chubby white girl can’t dance, but I like to do it anyway)

~Facebook

~Romantic dinners for two, and romantic surprises

~Doing crafty things

~Flower gardening (usually without much success)

~Blizzards  (Dairy Queen - Not snow)

~Foot rubs and back rubs  (Given to me – not by me – though I will occasionally return the favor)

~Swimming and floating about in the pool

~Reading

~Chick flicks

~Sometimes being worthless, lazy, and self-indulgent

My point:  Most people DO like those romantic things, (see, I have them on my list too!) so listing those things really tells you nothing about the person. Let’s hear about the real stuff.  What you’re REALLY like. Translated:  Let's cut the crap, and talk about what makes us tick.  This is Dating For Seniors. We're getting older by the minute, and don't have time to glean the chaff from the wheat here. Let's not bother investing time getting to know each other, if we can already determine ahead of time that there's things about each other that we're not gonna like - deal breakers, if you will - no matter how strong the physical attraction may be.  With that in mind, here’s some more info about me that you would want to know, before adding me to your Favorites list:

Random Things About Me: 

~I will love your family and your grandkids, but I will always love mine more. 

~I’m soon to be 55 years old.  I have earned every wrinkle and laugh line on my face, and will  not be visiting the Botox Doc.

~I have gray “highlights” in my hair.   Bling, if you will.

~My body type is always a work in progress.  For the most part, I have to claim “chubby” or “pleasantly plump”, or as the dating sites like to say “a few extra pounds”.  I’ve long ago faced the reality that I’ll never have buns of steel or six-pack abs, but I can touch my toes as good as (or better than) most girls my age and size, and I can tie my own shoes.  Well – unless my back is bothering me, which happens from time to time.

~I love sleeping in on Saturdays.  But when I get up in time, you’ll find me on the deck at DJ’s having coffee.    This is sacred girlfriend time.  Do Not Disturb.   

~I have stretch marks on my tummy.  Her name is Whitney.  (Okay, maybe one or two are named Oreo Blizzard)

~I am a grammar/punctuation/spelling Nazi.  I’m not always perfect, and I make typos and mistakes, but I DIE when someone else finds my errors before I do.  But your mistakes will bother me even more.  Besides, your errors are easier to spot than mine.  At the very least, please Learn the difference between plural and possessive, and use those apostrophes appropriately!!!  Unless, of course, you want to see my head explode. (And if you find errors in this post, please notify me immediately!!)

~My entertainment preferences are quite diverse. Downton Abby to Duck Dynasty.  Bach to Zeppelin and Floyd.  Mercy Me to Garth. Wizard of Oz to Braveheart.  You must be willing to embrace the entire spectrum, and enthusiastically agree to listen to, or watch, whatever I’m in the mood for at the moment. And you must tolerate my singing in the car.  Without laughing.

~I am very forgiving, and nonjudgmental.  But hurt me or someone I love, though I forgive, I don’t forget.  Do it again, and I will cut you.  

~I am sometimes impatient. Maybe *often* would be a better choice of words.

~Sometimes I procrastinate, but I don’t want to talk about that right now.

~I enjoy cooking, but have had so many kitchen disasters, that I allow people to think that I can’t cook. That  way, I only have to bring the paper products or chips to the parties and reunions.

~I hate math.  Seriously hate it.  Think: Head exploding.

~I love my power tools, and want to add to my small collection, so it would be a real plus if you have lots of tools, and are willing to teach me how to use them. I want to be a carpenter when I grow up. Only without the math.

~I am bossy. (But like Edith Ann used to say – “I am not bossy.  My ideas are just better.)

~The “control-freak” gene is alive and well within my DNA. 

~I like my towels and washcloths folded and stored a certain way in the linen closet. (OCD?)

~I like my steak cooked medium to medium-rare.  David can show you how to cook it. Please

  observe carefully and learn. Perfection is key when cooking a steak for me.

~I love discussing “politics and religion”.  Especially if your ideas differ from mine.

~I am financially independent.  Not wealthy.  I get by.  I just don’t need your money to pay my bills, but by the same token, I don’t have enough money to pay yours, so if you’re lookin’ for a sugar mama, you’re lookin’ in the wrong place. However, if you have plenty of money and would like to contribute to the paying of my bills, and would like to support me in my retirement, well, then, I’d be okay with that.  That, of course, would also cost you a wedding ring and a trip to the courthouse.  I ain’t lookin’ for no sugar daddy, neither.  (note - bad grammar intentional)

~I am funny.  If you don’t believe me, just fall down, or drop your milkshake or ham sandwich, and watch me laugh.  People who laugh are funny. Right? I have a warped sense of humor and often laugh at inappropriate times.  My daughter is the same way.  We absolutely cannot sit together in church. We’ve almost been kicked out of a funeral home (on two different occasions), and we barely escaped banishment from her prepared childbirth class.  Don’t even ask about the parent meeting before church youth camp one year.

~"Business Professional Attire" translates to me "My Nicest Pair Of Pajamas"
~The fact that the text doesn't align itself the way I want it to when viewing this blog post makes me seriously want to throttle the person who wrote the code... as I have spent a massive amount of time in aligning the text perfectly on the "compose post" page.

What I’m Looking For In A Mate:

~No lying. Period. Ever.

~Someone who will cook for me.

~Someone who can fix things and build things

~Someone who will listen to me gripe and complain when things don’t go my way, and agrees that I am   

  right, and everyone else is wrong. Including his ownself, whenever necessary.

~Someone to spoil me with romantic dinners and surprises.  Including planning and paying for said dinners and surprises.

~Someone to take me to the beach for romantic walks. 

~Someone who will help me take care of my yard and my house, except when I want to do it myself….  which is pretty much never.

~Someone who loves me enough to let me be me.  The good, the bad, and the ugly. Someone who doesn’t run away, or think less of me, and will forgive me when I have a meltdown or pitch a  hissy fit.  (Which goes without saying, was all his fault in the first place…)

~Someone who understands that, except for a short time, I’ve been alone for most of my adult life, and I smother easily. I need my space.  If you’re looking for me, and find the door is closed, unless you’re vomiting blood or the house is on fire, please go away.

~Someone who makes me laugh.

~Someone who wakes up every day thinking of ways to make me feel happy, secure, and loved.

~Someone who can program my cable box remote control.

~Someone who is thoughtful and brings me flowers, and makes me feel like I am the center of  his universe.

~Someone who understands that It’s All About Me.

So.  Any takers?  I really am a catch.  You’d be lucky to have me. Don’t doubt it for a minute.  ;-)

HAHAHA… probably wouldn’t get many takers with a bio like that.  Which is why so many of these relationships don’t work out.  Because the bios of most folks aren’t real.  There’s a cookie-cutter version of what we WISH we were like, and then there’s the reality of what we really are like.  I realize that even my “real” list is tainted by my own perception of myself.  I’m probably worse than the bad things I list, and probably not nearly as good as the good things I list.  But – my list is for sure more real than what you’ll find on an internet dating site. 

Internet Dating.  There are some happy endings.  But it’s not for everyone.  And it’s certainly not for me.  I think I’ll just sit on the couch, watch some uninterrupted TV, eat my Oreo Blizzard, and pet my sweet kitty.  And live happily ever after.  

Perfection!

Is there a "repeat" button for Mother Nature?  Like on a CD player?  You know - so you can listen to the same song over and over again?  If you know where I can find one for Mother Nature, please tell me before the night is over.  I'd like to press the "repeat" button for the next seven months.  Today was the most perfect weather day!  I've not heard the weather report, so I don't know what the high temperature was for today, but it doesn't matter what Glen Burns says.  I was outside IN the weather, and for me it was perfect.

It was the perfect day to sit outdoors, read a book, or take a nap - although I did not do that.  It was the perfect day for bike or motorcycle riding - although I didn't do that either.  It was pretty much the perfect day for any outdoor activity.  Maybe a bit cool for swimming, but that would only be because the water would be too cool.  It was the perfect day for some outdoor work - which is what I did today.  I broke a sweat a few times, but mostly it was perfectly pleasant.

My home is on a friendly street, located in a nice neighborhood, affectionately known as The 'Hood.   It is not heavily forested, so I have a hard time understanding where all the leaves come from.  The greater part of my afternoon was spent with the blower, rearranging the snowdrift-like piles of leaves from up against the fence, strategically spreading them evenly over my yard - with the plan being to mulch them over with my mower tomorrow afternoon.  It's clean-up week here in town, so I also cleaned out the shed that is attached to my storage building. It looks so very nice and tidy under there now!!!  I even got very brave and went behind the shed and cleaned out the four or five years' worth of inflatable swimming pools, tarps, and  associated paraphernalia.  Right now there's a huge pile of junk in my back yard, waiting for my dad to bring the trailer over tomorrow afternoon so we can haul it down to the dumpsters in town.

I'm really hoping we can get that toilet off my patio, too.  When I moved back to The 409, I replaced the toilet in my master bathroom, and the old one has been sitting on my patio ever since.  The kids think it is such a novelty, and they have to go "see the toilet on the patio" when they visit Greemaw.  How funny is THAT!?  Whitney and I tried to move it over to the pile today - but that dang thing weighs a ton.  I wonder if someone has hidden a dead body in the tank or something?  I'm going to be so sad if we can't haul it away.  I'm really hoping to enjoy some outdoor time on the patio this spring/summer, and there's just something about having a toilet out there that's just not conducive to the ambiance I'm trying to achieve.  I guess I could turn it into a water feature, or a planter, or something - but I'd really rather just send it to toilet heaven and be done with it.

It was a wonderfully quiet weekend.  (Except for that Girls Gone Wild thing on Friday night...)  Productive weekends make me happy.  Because even as busy as I was, and as much as I got done, there are still mountains of maintenance/improvement projects yet unfinished. The beautiful weather motivates me to get busy and check those items off my to-do list, so that I'll have time at the end of the day to enjoy the weather, the outdoors, and my good friends and neighbors here in The 'Hood.