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Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Crazy Flies

There are a lot of disgusting things in this world. Very high on my list of Most Disgusting Things Ever is the common housefly. And the not-s0-common ones. I'm not crazy about spiders either, but at least the spider has a good use. One being that he eats flies!! I can't think of one single thing a fly is good for. They are nasty, disgusting, creepy, maddening, gross, icky little critters. A couple of weekends ago, Whitney and Dustin had some friends over for a cookout/swim party. This meant multiple people in and out of my house on multiple occasions. All afternoon, and all evening. Some of our dear friends don't quite get the concept of In or Out. They seem to park themselves inside the door frame, with both the interior and the exterior doors wide open, as if to offer refuge for any poor insect who may be buzzing nearby. And I do believe that every winged flying creature for miles around found its way into my home that day. And I believe that they sent out little bug vibes to all their creepy little friends that this was a nice place to live, and to please hover about the doorway and sneak in every time someone enters or exits the house for the next two weeks. For two weeks I was a fly-swat wielding, foaming-at-the-mouth, Bug Terminating Fool, trying to rid the place of the nasty little things. Honestly. It was to the point that I was afraid the babies would start catching them at the window sill... and we know what babies do with things they pick up... EEEWWWW... I couldn't stand it! I don't know if flies actually sleep at night or not. I think what they did was congregate around a little fly campground somewhere behind my desk, and discuss ways in which to torture me the following day. They would dive at my head while I'm trying to work. They land on whatever it is you're trying to eat, or on the table top, or the trays to the kids' high chairs. N.A.S.T.Y. And it's not enough, to have one kind of fly. Oh no, there are many variations. You have your regular old housefly, that's just a nasty nuisance, but pretty dumb. He'll buzz against the window, trying to get out, and even with all those fly-eyes all over his head, you can still come up behind him with a paper towel, pick him up, and just squeeze the buzz right out of him. There's the Poop Fly, the one that you see partying around dog poop (But their favorite is fresh cow poop... I have seen them in the pasture when Daddy Bill used to have cows. They party like it's 1999.) The ones with the horrid looking green heads. Fortunately, there were none of those in my house, though I'm surprised... I mean we have a virtual poop factory here with a baby and a toddler: one who not-quite totally poopy potty trained yet, and one not at all... but thankfully those flies have left us alone. Then there is the Crazy Fly. I know that is the name of it, because I was telling my mom about them, and she said that's what Mamma Nay called them. So it's official. These flies are a bit larger than the common housefly. Their buzz is very loud, louder than a bee. And they are crazy. They fly at a frantic pace, and if in a small room, will flail themselves against the wall/mirror/window in an effort to.... an effort to what? I have no idea. Maybe they are trying to escape. Maybe they are trying to commit fly suicide. Surely they must know how badly we hate them. I mean, if I thought someone hated me as badly as I hate flies, I'd be flailing myself against the wall too. A few minutes ago I noticed a Crazy Fly in my kitchen, as I was preparing a lovely dinner in the crock pot. NOT what you want to see when you are preparing food!!! I swear... that fly HOVERED at my face. I thought it was a bee attacking me! I couldn't believe it. He followed me into my office and landed on my window, from where I was lucky enough to capture and destroy him. At least he wasn't kamakaze-ing all over the place. I think the next time one of those Crazy Flies gets in my office, I'll set up the video camera. I'm sure the picture of me chasing it with the fly swat, sometimes just swinging into empty airspace, could surely win the Funny Videos Contest. And if we can have sound, that would be great too. Although I might not want anyone to hear what I am saying as I am swishing my bright red swatter through the air....

But, if keeping the fly population at bay isn't an issue at your house (and I'm happy to report we are under control now, except for the occasional rogue one like today), and if you don't have the disgust for them that I do, then let me introduce you to a plush version of my winged nemesis. Yes, indeed. For a small monetary donation, you can be the proud owner of your very own STUFFED HOUSEFLY!!!! I'm sure that little jewel just flies right off the shelf at the toy store!!! (Hey... wasn't that the best pun ever!!!)

Oh no... I think I hear buzzing in the distance... I must retrieve my swatter and investigate...

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